How to Go Through a Divorce When There is No Manual
Divorce affects everyone differently; some rise strong after leaving a marriage that held them down, while others seemingly crumble from the loss. There’s no manual for marriage or parenting, and it turns out there isn’t one for divorce either. The process is not black and white, and feelings can change regularly. While there are no rules, there are some tips according to author Mari Lyles, which you can read in the article below.
Some women are stronger after a divorce; they’re so relieved to be released from catastrophic marriages that they rise up from the ashes like a phoenix. And then there are those women like me who feel the loss and disruption so keenly that they move into a funk so dark, it rubs them so raw they feel blistered on the inside. As a coach, the one thing I emphasize to those women who struggle through divorce, the one thing it took me awhile to learn, is to forego those swirling, incendiary thoughts of guilt and shame that flit around you like annoying gnats, whispering over and over: you’re a loser, a failure, you won’t succeed, you’ll be alone forever, your kids will be totally lost without a father, your married friends will all forsake you, your family will disapprove, you’re too old to date . . . . and on and on . . . an endless cacophony of gloom and doom.
Divorce, like marriage and child-rearing, unfortunately doesn’t come with a fail-safe manual. And, due to the complexity and diversity of 21st century divorce scenarios, there’s no “one size fits all” rule that applies to everyone. And, again, there’s always those tricky little feelings that manage to step right into the middle of everything and gum up the works no matter how much progress you seem to be making.
While there are no steadfast rules, there are, however, beneficial suggestions I discovered as I climbed out of my own canyon of despair.
1. It’s ok to cry for awhile. It’s ok to sniff, snot, boo-hoo, scream, lose control (in the privacy of your own home), throw a tantrum, kick furniture, pull out a few strands of hair, walk around unwashed and stinky . . . for awhile. However, if said behavior lasts more than a few weeks and you find yourself wallowing in self-pity, loathing, despair and anxiety too, too often, by all means, please seek help. There are a proliferation of helpful organizations that stand by waiting to hear from people who are going through what you’re going through.
2. The world loves you, only as much as you love you. If you’re awash in self-confidence, you will have found that the world generally holds the same opinion of you, as that you hold of yourself. If, on the other hand, you’ve decided that without Bob or Sam or Joe, you’re nobody, then trust me, the world will begin to view you the same way you view yourself. The old adage, You’re nobody til somebody loves you, is a crock. You were born somebody, and you’ll always be somebody, with or without somebody by your side. Your challenge is to recognize that fact and step into it.